PAPER HORSEY

made a horse today...



a little untidy, but i'll make a nicer one some other time :)



al-Fatihah to Ejay's father...

ORIGAMI

a customer left an origami at the table the other day and Ant kept it above the counter. "I don't wanna throw it away", he had said.

seeing that origami brought back a flush of childhood memories. mum would make tupperwares and tupperwares of origami flowers and animals. i remember abah coming home from Japan bringing back books on origami and sheets of japanese patterned paper. we'd never touch those origami papers because they were too pretty and mum didnt want to waste it since it came from far away and were expensive. so we'd buy those colored paper you can get for 25 cents a sheet and made origamis out of those. our favorite was the jumping frog. all four of us - my two brothers, my sis and i, would make small frogs and number them. then we'd hold a contest to see which frog jumped the highest and furthest.

after coming home from school that night, i took out some paper and started making squares. it has been a long time since i had even attempted an origami so i began by folding and unfolding the paper randomly, hoping somehow it would turn into something. after awhile i started to remember some origami basic foldings. and eventually i did end up with a traditional crane. the next day, everywhere i sat i left a paper crane.

last night i attempted a tyrannosaurus rex. it was labeled intermediate, but i was simply itching. the diagram was in some foreign language and so a lot of guesswork took place in addition to lots of tearing of paper. it was a full half hour before i finally got a semi-trex on my desk, standing somewhat wobbly with its head a little torn. i dare say it is what the diagram had expected. even so, i was a quite pleased with my misshapen attempt and left it on my desk.

there is something about origamis that make you feel obliged just to keep it. it's so simple and delicate, you'd feel bad to throw it away.

FEBRUARY BABIES

february is special :)

14th Feb - Happy first birthday Marsya, darling! Love you lots and can't wait to see you in June!
15th Feb - Happy birthday kak As dearest! Must be the best birthday yet, to have been able to share it with your dear Marsya :) Take care, yeah.

and of course...

18th Feb - Happy birthday Abah!!!! Lots of love and wish I was at home to celebrate with you (by watching some cowboy movie or anything gory of course :D)

a thousand hugs and kisses!

THE WORLD IN BLACK & WHITE

havent been to the darkroom in quite a while, and i forgot how intense it can be. i was mildly surprise that i had remembered most the procedures in developing. the first few tries my pictures came out overdeveloped and i also blew the enlarger bulb - which has never happened before. so naturally i freaked out for a bit and did the cuckoo dance while alone in the darkroom.







for every picture that doesnt come out right and goes into the trash can, i mentally substract 70 cents and kick myself for not going to bhphotovideo.com.

ps: all pictures taken with a Pentax MZ-M 35mm lens, Ilford HP5 Black & White film at 400 ISO and developed on Ilford Multigrade IV RC Deluxe (Pearl) photographic paper. hover mouse over pictures for technical info.

IT'S A FRIENDLY WORLD AFTER ALL

last week has been good to me: phase 1 went extremely well, i got my long overdue paycheck, the sun was out most the time, and of course john fixed me dinner :)

i was out on one of my photography excursions when an old lady asked me what i was taking pictures of. at the time i had my camera pointed towards the sky, trying to frame a fair portion of a building against the bright blue. i had been standing there for a good 2 minutes, waiting for a flock of pigeons to fly over. what i hadn't noticed was that i had attracted the attention of many passers-by; all craning their necks to see what it was i was so patiently waiting to snap.

anyway, i ended up postponing my picture-taking to chat with the old lady. she asked me where i was from and commented that i looked japanese (not the first time, though don't ask me why - some of my friends have christened me Yama, even). she was from russia. noticing her thin jacket i remarked that the cold must not have bothered her as much. she said not really, though she doesn't remember russian weather that well. she met her husband, who is Polish, during WWII and they had come to America in 1949. She asked where I go to study and I replied Carnegie Mellon (always "Carnegie Mellon" when speaking to elderlies - it resonates a much more formal tone and sounds a lot more grand ;)). The old lady had nodded in approval and continued to tell me that her son had gotten his Ph.D from CMU and was currently working in San Francisco. Her other son was a dentist working in Texas and her daughter, a lecturer in Pittsburgh. She looked very happy and proud, and she must have been to be telling me all this. I wondered if 20 years from now my mother would be beaming in the very same way when she spoke of her kids.

I was pretty surprised when she told me her son was turning 58. I said she didn't look a day over 60 and she beamed even wider. She told me she has 3 grandchildren, the eldest now in Northwestern University. Apparently his parents had attended the same college, and it was there they had met. What was more interesting was the fact that her grandson now has a chinese girlfriend. My immediate response was that they would probably have very beautiful kids. She herself mused at this, saying that it was rather interesting. especially since the unborn child would be a mix of russian, polish, american and chinese.

We chatted a little while longer before she said that she didn't want to keep me from doing my photo snapping any longer. So we shook hands (she hugged me too, much to my surprise), bade farewell, and she wished me the best in life while i wished her a safe journey to Florida (for she was leaving the next day with her husband).

That conversation left me feeling how small the world can really seem like with friendly people at every corner.

"two shots of expresso, and i'm still good to go..."

aah, so caffeine has begun to take effect on me. once again. but i do doubt for long. it's only february but it feels like june. and here you can expect to have snow in june. somebody blindfold me and tell me it's spring. i would gladly concede.

My groupmates are exchanging emails and it's 2am. It's a bizzare semester. And what's more bizzare than communicating through virtual space at such ungodly hours? The fact that Britney Spears earns $39.2 mil annually.

(sobs...)

RAYA

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha! :)

WHERE'S THE 'PAUSE' BUTTON?

the calendar on my wall says October 2003. I wonder what that says about me.

we've just finished Phase I of our project and still have four more to look forward to. all this documentation has left me exhausted and i'm thinking: why need to build the system at all? the documentation is good enough. it's impressive, motivating and we've proved that it's technically feasible. so now we should just keep it locked in a nice metal cabinet along with all the other proposed projects and hand out those A's. life should be that simple, don't you think?

by the time we implement it, there'd be better languages and better ways to develop the database. how current is current and how fast can we actually keep up with the spawn of new technologies? speaking of which, have you realized how slow the technology for batteries are evolving? either that or we're moving too fast that we havent caught up with advanced methods to provide energy in a sufficient and cheaper way. so here we are, coming up with all these gadgets that consume a lot more energy than we can actually afford. and in the long run there'd be hell to pay. it's almost like inventing all these deadly weapons and having a lack of human awareness to operate it.

now scientists are playing god and with all the scientific discoveries on DNAs, it seems they are slowly eroding religion away (nauzubillah). it's probably about time we take a breather from all the excitement and nurtured humanity into ourselves, lest we forget the important basics of life.

i think we're moving into the future faster than we can cope. the world should follow the pace at which i'm moving at. October 2003, maybe? :)

THE POWER THAT WE WIELD

"Hey, could I have this in a to-go cup, please"
"Sure"
"Sorry. I need to leave"
"Don't be. Your wish is my command"
"Really?"
"Sure!"
"Hop around for me"
"..."
"Hey, you're right! I am all powerful!"
"Amazing isn't it... the power that you wield"
"Haha. Thanks! I'll see you around"
"Yeah. In a couple of hours"

THE ALIEN THEORY

here's a silly thought...

i woke up at 827 on wednesday, and remembered i had a group meeting with prof. heinmann at 830am. there wasnt time to even feel distraught so i hopped out of bed, walked in circles for a bit to comprehend why it was i woke up so late, brushed my teeth, grabbed my jacket, and headed out with my PJs on.

there are times when technology fails you and you simply cant rely on that $20 alarm clock the salesman said could wake up the dead. and then you suddenly realize your dependence on technology is so intense that you cant even have breakfast without knowing how to operate the microwave. however, no matter how many times the system proves faulty, we continue to trust these gizmos and let them run our lives. it's not so much that we are so forgiving or that humans are creatures of habit; we just happen to enjoy convenience and soak ourselves in the luxury of being assisted with every little task.

it's pretty hard to imagine what the world will be like 20 years from now. will humans become so reliant on technological aid that we become more physically challenged? will the future man become fragile and weak for not utilizing his muscles as much? if all our efforts are channeled towards intelligence in order to make life easier, will our physiological appearance then evolve and become a complex mass of simply organs and brain cells?

we perceive aliens as big headed creatures with slender limbs. even in movies aliens are portrayed as being a complex form of brains and tentacles, bearing armoured and highly advanced suits to protect their fragility (think The Predator or Independence Day aka ID4). almost always these creatures have these really awesome armours on that are bulletproof and can do a million things at once. however when they're captured and put in a lab and the scientists start peeling away these suits, we always find that the alien is just a clump of flesh that would most likely be wobbling around had they not put on the suit to support their bodies. (and then they'll wake up suddenly on the operating table and eat all the people in the room but let's skip that).

apparently these aliens have become so technologically advanced that they evolve to become complex creatures with organs hanging around everywhere. the early man was bulky, broad shouldered and i imagine, strong. back then man depended on physical strength to get by. however, we now depend highly on intellect and use our brains to invent gadgets that help make life easier. we have cars that bring us places so we dont have to use our legs as much, we have bouldozers that wipe off huge rocks without us having to hammer them to death. soon we'll have things that help us do everything so we wont have to use energy to do anything at all. and then our limbs will cease from existence because there's not much we need to do that our inventions cant do for us.

that said, do we really want technology to run our lives? do we really want to turn into large-headed jellyfishes that have to operate spaceships with tentacles? because if we do, then a couple of hundred years from now we'll probably find ourselves exactly where those poor aliens are.

think about it...

B.S. SOOTHSAYING

a lot of people i know are starting to worry about internships and jobs that i've begun to wonder if college actually equips us with enough skills to face the world beyond. problem solving is a valuable asset that will be required over and over in the working world. however, how sufficient will this skill be when new problems are spawning fast and need to be identified almost immediately? is problem setting taught enough then?

education has been very careful to indoctrinate us with analytical skills that help us identify arising questions and solutions to problems. scientific epistemology taught to us in college stress on formulas and strategies to solve possible problems we might encounter in our profession, and managerial practices provide us with just about every case study to analyze in hopes that we should be able to apply our course experience to real management dillemmas. no doubt these skills will be helpful.

with the intention of becoming a professional; be it an engineer, doctor, lawyer, etc., we hope that our degree can help establish a great understanding of what our profession really is. unless we decide to become an academic and continue to delve in research, the jobs that await us out there may be an entirely new world in which formulas and methodologies don't necessarily apply. instead we'll be dealing with a lot more than just straighforward problems and complex algorithms. work politics, lurking obstacles and ethical issues are some variables in which we will deal with a lot more, and definitely more than just a couple of times.

in which case, problem solving skills can't be enough to land us a competitive job. more and more graduates now are brighter and sharper that simply saying "Give me any problem, I will be able to solve it for your company!" to your interviewer may not be enough.

problems in the professions are now becoming more complex and unpredictable. it is all very well that one is equipped with knowledge to be able to handle problems and solve it. however there is no fixed equation of how a problem comes into being. they are unpredictable and develop along with the growth of the profession. problems that occured 20 years ago in the field of engineering may reoccur but along with the development of engineering, new problems arise. and in order to be a productive employee or problem solver, problem setting is just as important.

problem setting is simply a matter of reverse engineering - where we take all variables or background information at our disposal, create problems which are likely to occur and then create a solution. at work, we are not always presented up front with problems, but instead we need to view a situation and mine for possible constraints.

it may seem that we've been provided with similar scenarios in college, however problem setting is a skill that needs more emphasis. lawyers are trained to evaluate given situations in the most critical ways and detect every possible loophole that might occur. journalists are critical writers who mine for information and leave no stone unturned in order to be able to provide solid (and hopefully) credible articles. definitely, this ability also comes with experience. but it also is a subject matter that needs familiarizing with.

foresight is an asset to any company, and the skill to foresee problems is just as important as the ability to solve it. Companies today may still be looking out for that problem solver, but there is still a high chance that they are also looking for innovative candidates that are able to save their companies from future, unforeseen problems and act as soothsayers with the ability to identify obscure obstacles.

A KIVA SURPRISE

My oh my this is definitely the best year so far (sorry if i keep talking about this but i'm so happy!!)

Kiva Han threw a little surprise party for me! hehe... apparently they were all waiting for me to come in yesterday but I never did. So when i stopped by from campus just now, john made sure i didnt leave too soon as he disappeared to the kitchen. lo and behold, he came out with a cake, complete with candles :)

and so the kiva han crew, john and his wife all sat down to eat cake with me while telling each other stories :)

This is definitely, the best birthday i've had ;)

PARTY CRASHER!

i simply must say that i have the greatest friends in the world :)

after spending the entire day yesterday sleeping off my 'flu, i finally decided to head to campus to print some stuff. it was about 8pm at the time so i really needed to hurry.

as i stepped out of the elevator, i saw in the lobby just about all the malaysians at CMU huddled together and chattering. even though it seemed odd that they were all sitting there doing nothing, i thought i'd say hi and see what they were up to.

they were all surprised to see me. and the 2 cakes set up on the table were evident as to why they were :) And so, instead of being greeted with polite hello's, all of them started shouting at a very confused me...

"Alamak, myn!!"
"Aiyo, what are you doing here? Go back up!!!"
"Hide the cake! Lynn, tutup cake!"
"Err... err... SURPRISE!??!?!??"

haha... apparently i had crashed my own surprise party and spoiled it for all of them :p

anyway, it worked out in the end though (i had to act surprised again just to make them happy) and we all squeezed into my apartment to have a pretty decent time. honestly, i had a real blast and i really appreciate the thought :) It was fun to have people remember, but it was a lot more fun to see the looks on their faces when i caught them red handed :D

Thanks people! My love to all of you :)

SEASONS PASS By Yazmin Islahudin

The world unfolds with tunes of morn,
Rays flood each way, the night is shorn,
Streets come alive under break of dawn,
Another day is born.

The days go by in faithful pace,
Its splendors worth to be embraced,
But routine has kept me tied in place,
As I rush to run against the race.

Out by my window stands a bent old tree,
Whose presence at night becomes company,
Its bark bears wisdom and history,
For generations it has stood there loyally.

During Winter it’s dressed in the whitest of snow,
God’s confetti from the heavens that bless us below;
In Springtime pink buds appear aplenty and bloom,
Filling dullness with colors and a burst of perfume;
Then Summer appears and brings lush to its leaves,
Giving life to all things, bearing birds and the bees;
And when Fall falls upon us it sheds all but its grace,
The tree stands proud still, on its majestic dais.

But with absence I note these changes of time,
While the seasons disappear to the next one in line,
Caught up with matters too important to decline,
Life becomes what it is that we carelessly define.

Now I look out, to my faithful friend,
Once again on his bark, white snow descends.

How can time move by so fast?
Didn’t I live each day like it’s my last?
So I clutch today in a desperate grasp,
And try to freeze time in a casket of glass.

Yet somehow I had blinked too long,
For another year has gone.

*To all the well wishers, thank you so very much :) And may God bless us all with the turn of a new year (whenever that might be for you ;) )

WHO DO WE DECEIVE?

i have pictures of endangered animals on my wall and i just realized i dont really care much for them. also on my bookshelf i have issues of national geographic (in which i subscribe mainly for the pretty pictures) lined up and books on programming stacked neatly in order of height. there's a book on pottery too, somewhere, from when i thought i was interested in crafts.

with all these items that i own, am i unconsciously trying to portray an image to the public? is there a certain way i want others to perceive me as?

we all dress up during interviews and choose our words carefully, making sure we appear to belong in that particular corporate community we're applying to. in application forms we highlight what may be impressive and list traits we know will be met with approval. at one instance or another, we all adopt a fitting personality in order to gain acceptance and be classified with other notable types of people. in other words, people do a lot of 'acting' in order to 'fool' the general public. of course there's nothing wrong in this, and essentially this is expected behavior in which case certain ground rules or standards have been predetermined as a way of social conduct.

however there are times when such images are prominent and we become infatuated with trends. every person has a picture of their social status in their minds eye and we try to emulate this as much as we can in order to build our personality. married couples start collecting china and people develop a taste for italian furniture as they grow older. teenagers own every electronic device there is on the market. of course we dont pretend to have interest in these things, because we actually do. but there still lies a factor in which there's an unconscious drive to be seen in a way we want others to see us; we fabricate passion and concern over a set of values which builds a character that we want people to identify us with. with all the physical clues we exhibit, we give first impressions that establish our personality. or at least some part of it.

seeking individuality requires much more than scratching the surface, though. it gets much more complicated here, and to really understand a person one needs to interact and look for habits and simple behavioral patterns that paints a clearer picture as to who we really are.

no matter how well we are able to 'fool' others, our true personalities are always visible through those quirky habits that we carelessly give away. it's not so much that we lie and trick people into believing we're someone we're not. it's just that we are careful to select what we want people to see and know of us.

for me, my true colors are revealed by those simple evidence of coffee-mug rings stained on my table, rolls of film unmindfully placed in corners of my window sill, sweet wrappers in my wastepaper basket and paintboxes stuffed in my drawer away from those neatly archived Times magazine i set on my shelf for visitors to see :)

TWO WORLDS (And I'm Stuck In The Middle)

i meet 2 significantly different types of people on a daily basis; those tech nerds in my IS classes that go beserk over pieces of code, and more laid-back artsy people in my English classes that go philosophical over every sentence of rhetorics and start spewing poetry at you. even their physical appearances set these ppl apart. i realize most my IS colleagues dress pretty much in an earthy fashion where frills and glitters are probably stored at the back of their closets, while my English major friends make their own jeans, have thick rimmed stylish glasses and furry scarfs in bright neon colors around their necks.

i pretty much play the role as the chameleon and try as much as i can to disguise myself while i run from my database management class to my advanced professional & technical writing class. but when i do sit down amongst those bright psychadelic shirts and home-made retro skirts, my camoflage pretty much fails me. however, it's when discussions open my true colors give me away.

it surprises me still how different english majors think from technical majors do. they are much more passionate about things and seem to have a knack for intellectual discourse which somehow seems to make much more sense to the world than programming and system development do. though i don't deny the fact programming and system development have their importance in the world (yes, and i do mean "in the world". it's important ok). but in all honesty, english, which henceforth i shall refer to as language, shapes the world in a much more larger way. for i think it has the ability to impact minds, form ideas and inspire movements.

during one discussion i had several semesters ago doing discourse analysis, it appeared to me that discourse indeed does shape the world in how we see it. of course there may be times when in my english classes the students tend to think much more deeper into a context than they should have (they love doing that) but in fact it just makes the mind wander off in tangents that creates more opinions and ideas. they also seem to question things historically and spend more time pondering over methodologies as to why people react the way they do and how language can trigger revolutionary changes, which it has by the way. more than anything these english students delve deeper into language than anyone i've ever met and bring about a whole new set of practices, from philosophy to psychology. and believe me, these people, in some way or another, have the power to change the way we perceive things through language and discourse.

a technical student however, sees things differently. they are capable of contributing to deep discussions, though the way of thinking might slightly differ. they come up with just as interesting things as the english student does, but from a different perspective. more often than not it always relates back to philosophies of economics or maybe organizational behavior. interesting nonetheless. but also much more constricted. where the english student sees things in a more open and metaphysical point of view, the techie sees things which is almost always based on substantial evidence, carefully disguised in examples of current affairs and political matters. in short, technical students are as much businessmen as english majors are philosophers.

of course many philosophers came from very technical, or rather scientific backgrounds. but proficiency in language is also important and the understanding of how the audience relate and react to language is equally essential. mastering the language is just as significant as the idea one is about to funnel across. politicians make great case studies, though i do recommend philosophers and of course the much more prettier verses of the Qur'an. the success of influencing people comes from the way the language is conveyed to you.

i find myself going back and forth between these two personalities of the tech student and the english student, more so when the concreteness of programming begins to reflect the reality i am about to face the next 20 years of my life. the IS side of me knows that this very well might be the thing that will provide bread and butter on my table. but the other part of me also wants to keep writing in hopes to be able to convey ideologies and share experiences which might be worth telling. of course nobody is actually stopping me from doing both, but it just goes to show that technical skills and social sciences go hand in hand.

despite their superficial differences though, i like to think that the english and IS department are actually conjoined twins joined by their knack for knowledge and lack of fashion sense :)

JUNIOR YEAR

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new semester. Am i psyched? nope. Am i nervous? yes.

Junior year is tricky. you can almost see the finishing line, but right ahead of you, you need to plough through barnacles and sidestep mines. occasionally, you stumble across an oasis and you get lost in its comfort and promises of perpetual merriment.

...then your grades come by and smack you right back to the face of reality.

And a beautiful face it is indeed :D

Enjoy school, people!

A SMALL TIP GOES A LONG WAY

There are many things to be thankful for today. AT&T Wireless and Ikea, just to name a few. I was also very surprised at how great it felt when the waiter who served me expressed his gratitude at having been tipped so handsomely. (well, not that handsomely, but enough to make someone happy apparently :)). it got me thinking about how true it is that it's always better to give than to receive. and by this principle do i hold firmly onto the golden rule which states "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

so, tips anyone? :D

AYYY!

on my way back from DC i could have sworn the steward was henry winkler (the fonz from happy days), only older. he talked like him, walked like him and had his hair combed like him. it just reminded me of what a fan i was of the fonz when i was little. he defined cool and set the standard for cool.

ayyyy!

SUNDAY SOBS

i spent part of my sunday night crying alone in my room watching armageddon. with my laptop on my lap, a half-empty box of donuts, 2 bags of chips and a 1-litre carton of juice around me on my bed.

i am the picture of depression.